Jesus' Magical Touch

Jesus' Magical Touch is a mystical action performed only three times in known history (Because unknown history is for squares ). The first incident was in Israel, when Jesus went to the grave of Lazarus, said some B.S. to the priests there, then reached into the dude's grave and touched him on the chest with his glowing finger. Lazarus then totally came back to life, the priests did a total double-take, and Jesus flipped a grin and bowed to the audience.

The second incident where Jesus used his Magical Touch was during World War 2, where he used his Magical Touch on Adolf Hitler near the end of the war. While the Nazis were winning near the end, the touch of Jesus proved too strong for the Jew-hatin' man. Hitler subsequently went like, insane, dude and ordered his troops to, instead of attacking the invading Americans, to dance a jig while he licked a lollipop. Half of his army started dancing a jig, while the other half did a random mass suicide. This series of events led to Hitler's defeat and suicide instead of giving up.

Now, you may be asking yourself, how can I create a third instance that could be any cooler than the first or second? Well, kids, you are in for a surprise. The third instance where Jesus used his Magical Touch was on Your Mom. Last night. In bed. Yeah, I know, I didn't want to drop the bomb on you like this. I'm sorry, man. But, I must also say, I watched. It was awesome. Don't cry, man, it'll be alright. But we're still friends, right? Wait, why do you have that knife? Dude, just drop the knife. You don't have to do this, man! I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!